His Noodly Appendage

BoingBoing brought me the first big smile of the day: someone’s open letter begging the Kansas State School Board to be open to multiple “intelligent design” theories:

I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming to long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.

This is the best part: Great Spaghetti

Read the whole thing. There’s even a chart that plots Global Average Temperature vs. Number of Pirates. Which is an issue I’m sure the Kansas officials will ponder thoughtfully.

6 thoughts on “His Noodly Appendage”

  1. This is wonderful! I laughed out loud at the “Pirates versus Global Warming chart” — not only does the subject matter make no sense, but the chart itself is totally whacked out — time is backwards (and isn’t even on the X axis), the pirates axis isn’t in sorted order, you name it. But an uncritical eye can look at it and think “hmm … fewer pirates does make the Earth hotter!”. Which is exactly how Intelligent Design and other cults seek to bamboozle the non-scientific community.

    The Flying Spaghetti Monster is also a perfect representation about *why* creationism etc. should not be in the science classroom. From a scientific standpoint, the Flying Spaghetti Monster has exactly the same value as other non-science theories at explaining evolution: exactly none. Some of those theories may have more cultural or spiritual value (say, Adam and Eve over the Intelligent Creator) — but students can learn about those elsewhere, outside the context of Science where they belong.

  2. I enjoyed the spaghetti tale, though I think a less silly-seeming creation story— one more like that already accepted— would be necessary as a first step toward enlightening the true believer to the problem of religion as a basis for science education. Perhaps the Zoroastrian creation story could be a first step… somewhere along the way to introducing the Flying Spaghetti Monster, we’d talk about a Polynesian creation story

    But even as we progressed from the most accepted creation story to the least in an attempt to lead our listener to understanding, we’d still have the concept of an intelligence behind it all. The fact of this seems like it could be reduced to the idea that people have many names for their god(s), but they agree that an intelligence acted in our origin (even if they believe in Tao). We can’t directly observe the hand of god(s) or their noodly appendages, but we can agree that we are touched (heh). So, whether the school board favors Jehovah or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, we still have the idea of acting intelligence.

    There is also the idea of a creating intelligence who didn’t really apply that intelligence to our creation in the being of the Great Green Arkleseizure; maybe a divine lack of interest is a way to go with the argument.

    Anyone who’s read this far might be interested in this short piece on intelligent design, “Children of a Lesser Prefrontalasaurus“. Did the Designer give the contract to the lowest bidder who could get it done in six days?

  3. This guy actually got a response from a Kansas School Board member — from the minority science side. Who said scientists don’t have a sense of humour? Read about it in the new FAQ, where you can also buy His Noodly Appendage mugs and T-shirts.

    Remember, we are all His creatures, and need to drink coffee and not be naked. For ever and ever, Ramen.

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