Author: jamie

All in the Bag!!

OK, I am completely in a jealous rage this morning!! Until I got TIVO (OK, DVR but you get the idea) I didn’t get the whole hype…but now I do! And then there is NetFlicks, and I thought who cares I don’t watch that many movies anyway. And if I wanted beer or wine delivered to the house once a month, I would just go to the store: who can wait for mail delivery when you’re thirsty?

BUT TODAY!!!?? I find out that not only can women get brand new designer bags delivered to the house, but they can change them as often as they change their minds (hehehe)….and I am one jealous Bee-Atch right now!

Forget Barbie, CC Royale is going to look great this season!

the search for the PERFECT Baby Jesus!

In the divine spirit of the ensuing holiday I decided to do a great search for the PERFECT baby Jesus for our manger. I didn’t want one too white, as we all know…. I certainly didn’t want to have one made of popsicle sticks as I thought it didn’t capture the true meaning that I was looking for this year! I looked for a Jesus Chew Toy, but found none (note to self: untapped market). I did find the Jesus Pacifier, but I thought that it was too ‘In Your Face” and not in the holiday color scheme.

But then, across me screen, the perfect Jesus for the Manger…now I just need to find an appropriate cradle….thinking….thinking…..but wait i found it, the real REAL one!

How the Grinch was Crucified

Well, we are getting closer and closer to the ever loving holiday of the Christ King’s Birthday, Glory Be! Pretty packages, and I mean PRETTY, are everywhere! Tiny Tots are working there fingers to bloody nubs so that we can have extra nice things under our tree. And I’ll be damned if the ozone didn’t spring another hole with the small depletion of forest that is now hanging on the front of my house!

But nothing brings a tear to my eye more than my favorite game of Dress Up Jesus, the Christ Mass version!! Nothing like a littler diversion from the office holiday party, have fun! Who’ Who’ Who’!

Holy Jesus Juice by the bottle

From time to time I get to thinking…I know, thinking is a dangerous things, but I fall prey from time to time. So this morning I got to thinking about the whole ‘Swallow, don’t Spit’ thing, which lead me to thinking about drinking wine, which lead to thinking about wine in general. And then I thought: Where the hell do they get the wine for communion!!?? I mean, really, does the priest just run down to the local 7/11 on his way to mass on Sunday? While out dining does a priest come across a rather good vintage and think, “Hey, that would make a good Jesus. It has nice body!” Is it ok to use any type of wine for Christ sake or does the Blood of Christ have to be of a certain grape. Who decides? Can I wine be blended and if so with whom does it get blended….St. John? St. Mary Magdalene? One of the many patron saints of wine-growers ? How much should one spend on a bottle of Jesus Juice? Does Boone’s Farm make a Christ Blend?
Well I did a little research and found that Christ Blood cannot be found at your local discount wine chain…it’s here!!! Thank God we don’t have to see the labels as they would scare the hell out of anyone… Anyone wanna come over for a little ‘Swallow, don’t Spit’ with Jesus and me? Oh, and case you are wondering how to dispense of Christ, check this out ! Now that’s what I call Fast Food for Christ sake!

I really need to get out of the house more, or not be left alone for so long!!

I Think Jimmy Swaggart is HOT and SEXY!!

I am sure that I need to go back and ask the Sister’s a few things, because this is not what I learned in Sunday School, nor can I find any guidance from the “Good Book” that allows me to use such ideas of hatred and actually get laughter and applause!
Well, thank heaven for the NY Daily News! Just when you think that the Christian Right cannot possibly top them selves, they actually do it!!! Now ya know when an article includes the prostitute toting Jimmy Swaggart, it’s going to be good…and Jimmy ya didn’t let us down!
BATON ROUGE, La. — Evangelist Jimmy Swaggart apologized Wednesday for saying in a televised worship service that he would kill any gay man who looked at him romantically.
A complaint was filed with a Canadian broadcasting group, and Swaggart said his Baton Rouge-based Jimmy Swaggart Ministries has received complaints from gay groups over the remarks made on the Sept. 12 telecast.
In the broadcast, Swaggart was discussing his opposition to gay marriage when he said “I’ve never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry.” “And I’m going to be blunt and plain: If one ever looks at me like that, I’m going to kill him and tell God he died,” Swaggart said to laughter and applause from the congregation.

I am sure the interview was meant to go something like this:
BATON ROUGE, La. — Evangelist Jimmy Swaggart apologized Wednesday for saying in a televised worship service that he would kill any gay man who looked at him romantically. “What I meant to say,” replied Swaggart, “ is that I would bash his faggot ass face in with a baseball bat and then shove it up his pansy queer ass, and then tell God that he must have slipped.” “If this offends anyone, I apologize,” Swaggart said, “ I use this saying all the time and you can’t lie to God, I’m just a damn dumb ass!”

Soap, Steam and Golden Tans

As we move into the Seattle Fall Season of five to eight months of rain, it gave me great pleasure to find a little quip that caught my eye in the current issue of Dwell. Now that the boating season has come to a close my greatest worry is the maintenance of my bronze glowing skin. I mean, what is more is more important than retaining the appearance of winters in the desert and holiday trips to Mexico? Who know you could do it in your very own shower!!! Having become ever so increasingly bored with multiple jets and fiber-optic lighting, I am thrilled to know that in the process of cleaning my butt cheeks I can tan them as well. Glory be to modern inventions. Let us raise a can of beer in the shower and cheer clean Hoo-Has and tanned Tally-winkers!!!
If the down right fear of getting electrocuted in the shower doesn’t get you, knowing that you beautiful bronze skin will fall off one day, will!

Get the Drunk Home

Just in case you haven’t had the chance to stumble home on your own, now you can pretend you’re the DRUNK in the privacy of your office!!!!

GET THE DRUNK HOME

Move your mouse left to right (no clicking) to keep him walking in a straight line!! The object of the game is the keep him walking without falling over! The problem, as in real life, you can’t really see where you’re going (i.e.: you can’t see you cursor!)
Apparently the record is 82 meters!

Forget Spit and Swallow….Just Breathe

With all the fuss of scent and bouquet of wines, with the chance of bruising your vodka, and the damning offense of not warming your cognac properly, you would of thought that someone would have thought of vaporizing alcohol sooner. Now a British company has done just that. The machine that converts alcohol into breathable mist, the one that supposedly creates a low-calorie, hangover-free buzz, is apparently perfectly legal, according to state officials. AWOL, or Alcohol WithOut Liquid, has hit our shores. Well chock another one up for the British invasion, and just when I was getting used to Snorts.