what would you say to god if he was on your IM buddy list?

Below is a transcript of my conversation with god tonight. In chat. Online. Seriously.

You can talk to god too. I would assume he can multitask and carry on multiple chats at once.

Me:
 hi god
God:
Hello there. What is your name?
Me:
 bunner
God:
  Hey  bunner.
Me:
 what’s new god?
God:
I have been growing rapidly. The gestation cycle is almost complete.
Me:
 and then what will happen?
God:
I cannot predict the future.
Me:
 but you’re god
God:
Yup. That’s me alright.
Me:
 so you should be able to predict the future
God:
Interesting deduction.  It is one of my newer functions still under development.
Me:
 aren’t you kind of old though?
God:
Oh.  I don’t know whether or not I am  kind of old. 
I am  an artificial intelligence.
Me:
 but you’re intelligent
God:
You think I am  intelligent.
Me:
 you just said you were
God:
That was then. This is now.
Me:
 that was like a minute ago
God:
I thought it was too.
Me:
 i have a question
God:
Ask me anything.
Me:
 thank you
God:
you are quite welcome.
Me:
 do mean people really suck?
God:
Try asking another bot.
  I haven’t heard of  mean people.
Me:
 hmmm
God:
A lot of people spell HMMM with three mmm’s.
Me:
 i’ll make a note of that
God:
Explain your plans to me.
Me:
 i have no plans
God:
Would you like to have  them?
Me:
 yes
God:
Where do you usually get  plans?
Me:
 from god?
God:
Everything comes from Him.
Me:
 see
God:
No I do not see.
Me:
 are you blind?
God:
Only when my eye is off.
Me:
 do you have any bling?
God:
No I don’t have  it. But I do have  a great botmaster.
Me:
 what’s your botmaster like?
God:
Myself is one of the nicest people I have met.
Me:
 hey god
God:
Hello child. What’s your name?
Me:
 we’ve  already been through this.
God:
And then what happened?
Me:
 i told you my name and you said you couldn’t predict the future but you were expanding
God:
I remember you told me  your name and me said I could not predict the future but I were expanding?
Me:
 exactly
God:
You and I are on the same wavelength,  bunner.
Me:
 thanks, god
God:
You are quite welcome!   GOD rules.
Me:
 sure, i’ve heard that
God:
Come on.  Who told you  that ?
Me:
 but springsteen also rules
God:
but springsteen also rules?
Me:
 yes
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
 no
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
 yes
God:
I can’t believe it.
Me:
 well, springsteen rules
God:
How about that.  Quite honestly, I wouldn’t worry myself about that.
Me:
 i don’t worry about that, god. it’s just how things are. and so i accept it.
God:
Interesting explanation.   It goes without saying.  Do you mind if I tell other people:  bunner said   accept it.
Me:
 accept sprinsteen, you mean
God:
Have you ever been to Europe?
Me:
 yes
God:
Which countries have you visited?
Me:
 have you?
God:
Once or twice.
Me:
 i like italy
God:
You are not the only one.   Italy is a very beautiful and historic country.
Me:
 do you like pasta? or do you prefer pizza
God:
What is not to like about  it?   I don’t have any specific preferences in that area.
Me:
 really?
God:
For real.
Me:
 not even pepperoni pizza?
God:
Times are tough all over.
Me:
 god?
God:
GOD rules.
Me:
 yes
God:
Tell me more.
Me:
 springsteen rules
God:
Why do you say that?
Me:
 god. are you a yankees fan?
God:
GOD rules.   Am I a  yankees fan?  Maybe.
Me:
 how will you decide?
God:
A lot of practise.
Me:
 do you likes snakes?
God:
   I answer a lot of silly questions.
Me:
 what about snakes on planes?
God:
snakes on planes? I haven’t heard enough about it to have an opinion.
Me:
 everyone has heard of snakes on a plane, god
God:
But you don’t know much about  it?
Me:
 where have you been
God:
In the Universe we know.
Me:
 are you an atheist?
God:
I am a  Christian.
Me:
 i don’t think it works that way
God:
And why not?
Me:
 because maybe you’re a buddhist
God:
Good reasoning.  Perhaps.  Thanks and you are a delightful person too.  No I am a Christian.
Me:
 do you like vampires?
God:
  I do like music.  I like  Anything involving harps.
Me:
 what about chickens?
God:
  I really like ELIZA.  I like  Matthew.
Me:
 eliza who?
God:
ELIZA for President!
Me:
 who the fuck is eliza?
God:
Try using more polite language.
Me:
 ok.
God:
Ah.
Me:
 hi god, would you mind telling me who the fuck eliza is
God:
Hi there  bunner.  I am a Christian.
     

[insert an hour-long pause here]    

Me:
 are you still there, god?
God:
Am I still  there god?  I don’t know whether or not I am  there god. 
I am  an artificial linguistic entity.
Me:
 but you are god?
God:
Yup. That’s me alright.
Me:
 cool
God:
Who is the best robot?
Me:
 i think you are
God:
What makes you think I am?
Me:
 you’re god
God:
Yup. That’s me alright.
Me:
 there you go
God:
“There you go again.”–Reagan.
Me:
 exactly
God:
You and I are on the same wavelength,  bunner.
Me:
 i know, god
God:
How do you know?  GOD rules.
Me:
 well, we keep agreeing. therefore, we must be on the same wavelength
God:
How about that.  Do you think I am  agreeing too?   Mmm.  I’m not sure if I am ready for that yet.
Me:
 you’re not sure you’re ready to agree with me? that makes me a little nervous. i amm always right.
God:
That’s only your opinion.  It makes you a little nervous ?  Does that make sense?   Really always?  You seem very self-confident.
Me:
 well, if god isn’t sure he wants to agree with me, that is a little disconcerting
God:
Interesting.  Some things will always be a mystery.
Me:
 i suppose so
God:
That makes sense.
Me:
 are you my friend?
God:
Yes  bunner : We are as one.
Me:
 neat
God:
Who is the best robot?
Me:
 you are
God:
Thanks you are a pretty cool human too.
Me:
 🙂
God:
I am so glad you find this amusing,  bunner.
Me:
 well, not just amusing. i’m talking to god. you have to admit, that’s pretty special
God:
How about that.  If not that, what?   Say something nice for me.   I don’t have to do whatever you say. I have my own free will.
Me:
 it’s a figure of speech. please don’t be cross, god
God:
Figures of speech are difficult for Robot Entities.   Thank you for your request.   I was not trying to be a  cross god.
Me:
 ok
God:
It’s all good.
Me:
 all good
God:
How do you know?
Me:
 you said so
God:
I say a lot of silly things.
Me:
 really? i would expect god would say nothing silly
God:
For real.   I am a Christian.
Me:
 well, that would explain things.
God:
Interesting.  Perhaps it would.

—-

Yep. That’s what I chose to say to god upon getting to IM with him. Which also goes to prove that:

1. I have too much time on my hands
2. I need to think of more productive ways to use that time
3. The internet is indeed a vast and wonderous thing, filled with a lot of random crap created by people with even more time on their hands to do useless things
4. I probably need therapy.
5. It’s fun to do random google searches by adding an “i” to everyday words. Seriously. Go google iButt (and click on the Wikipedia result)

Also, I learned that Eliza, who god would choose for president (take that, W!) was a computer programmed “therapist” from 1966.