I’ve been looking for work since March. It’s the oddest market I’ve ever looked for work in, though perhaps I have to take some responsibility for that because I have become very, very picky. I won’t take Microsoft contracts where the manager really wants a full time employee but couldn’t get the head count because those just lead to frustration. I won’t take long term projects (more than six months) for the same reason. I try to avoid the tobacco and napalm sector because while I can’t really afford to dedicate my income to doing good work, I can avoid being actively evil. (Luckily, that’s not too big of a problem in my market, but with the recent civil rights fiasco coming out of Redmond, one can’t help but wonder where to draw the line.)

At any rate, I’m still unemployed, though don’t cry for me Argentina, this is the lot I’ve chosen by committing to work as a freelancer, plus, it’s not like I’ve run out of leads. My phone continues to ring, emails come in… something is bound to turn up. The stress of being out of work for longer than I’d planned is difficult, but I do believe it will pass.

But that is not what I started out to write about. What I wanted to say was this: I’ve been doing a lot of interviewing lately. And I have been shocked, no really, shocked speechless by the things people have said to me in interviews over the past two months. I’ve been tracking to see if they can get any worse, and lo and behold, to my stunned surprise, they CAN.

Before I get into the finger-pointing, I should remark that I have been replaying these interviews in my mind to see if I too, perhaps, couldn’t use some pointers. I’ve decided that I should probably stop saying that “I suck at bidding entire jobs, I prefer to bill hourly because I have no idea how long your project is going to take, plus if I bid the entire job, you are going to waste my time.” I should probably amend that to “I like to work with the client to figure out how long things are going to take and then settle on a not-to-exceed amount with revisions if needed.” That sounds better, no? I’ve been pondering a way to address my philosophy around working at home. It’s not that I’m a slacker; I am a very hard working person who has a reputation delivering good work on time. It’s just that I think people waste so much time in offices and meetings and that most work could be done in a good 30% less if we could just be left alone to do it. This is tougher to figure out how to talk about because most corporate identities think that “working at home” = “playing hooky.” I’d rather bill less hours and have the 30% extra to, oh, hone my baking skills or go skating at Alki or, well, anything else. I’m pondering how to talk about that. I’m thinking that I should have handy the answer to those generic interview questions that people ask – “Tell me about a time…” or “Tell me about yourself…” because they inevitably come up. I’m fishing around in my experiences over the last two months to see if I can come up with anything else I could change about my side of the process.

So. That said, let me tell you about a handful of things that people have said to me in recent interviews that have left me, well, wondering what I am doing there.

1. I can’t promise I won’t micromanage you.
   This will send me running for the door every single time. There is no worse manager (for me) than a micromanager and it won’t end well, no sir. Just ask that one guy. Man.

2. I like to do spot checks on my employee’s work to see what they’re up to.
   What is this, second grade? Are there pop quizzes too? Why don’t you just ask me? You apparently do not trust me to do my job.

3. I never meet my deadlines; I’m always scrambling at the last minute to get stuff done.
   As a person who meets deadlines religiously, it’s probably a bad idea for me to work with someone who can’t. Also, if that person is my superior in the chain of command, we’re going to have real issues around R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
4. We never deliver our anything on time.
   See above.
5. We hate these offices.
   There is nothing that makes a prospective employee feel less like joining in when you know that the folks that are there hate where they have to be all day.

But wait, there’s more. The rest, are here in the form of requests. Please, please, please don’t compare yourself to a remarkable figure in history. I beg you not to do this; it’s going to kill your credibility dead beyond recognition. Don’t ask me probing questions about my personal life – they’re seldom relevant and often, they’re not legal. If I’m not the right person for your job, please tell me so right away, you will not hurt my feelings and I only want to be successful at what I do, so save us both the time, okay?

After all these bad interviews, I wonder if I am ignoring my own advice. I should be putting a stop to these things right away, as soon as it becomes clear that I am not, in a million years, going to take this project, not for love or money. I should have thanked the micromanager at that very moment and said that I didn’t think we’d be a good match. I should have put a stop to the inappropriate questioning immediately instead of fishing around in my head for neutral responses. I should just put the brakes on that stuff and head for the door. Currently I’m regretting that I didn’t respond the way I really felt in a number of those situations. I try not to kill my job prospects by saying “That is the most stupid and outrageous thing I’ve ever heard in an interview.” Thing is, I have learned over the last two months that it’s probably NOT the most outrageous and stupid thing I’ve ever heard. There is probably more to come.