I often think of silly or absurd phrases that I’d like to use for titles, but rarely the text that might follow. Like this one, which came to mind again due to the recent probable death of Uday & Qusai Hussein. Perhaps, though, I’ll start posting these little bits, since I seem to rarely get around to doing anything longer.

Shortly after I asked David to marry me, I asked him if we could get a TiVo. “Yes,” he replied. “I couldn’t justify it for just myself.” “Me neither.” Another benefit of the merger.

But now, I think I want this instead. It’s basically the “but wait, there’s MORE” digital media product. It does everything but make the popcorn, and that may not be far off.

I’m all for open architecture, and hate the idea of buying something for $400 that will be obsolete in 18 months. I’m not the biggest Linux fan, but it has a real foothold in consumer electronics due to its small size, customizability, and free licensing. But those Free Software geeks are such bad branders. A penguin– so unexpected, so differentiating!

I just discovered that I drive seventh most lesbian car ever. Not the gayest car, mind you — that honour is reserved for the VW Jetta, closely followed by the rest of VW’s product line — my car is for chicks, it seems. And here I was, thinking I bought an Xterra to get me to the out-of-the-way camping and climbing spots and cart around rugby gear. Apparently I’m just barely repressing desires to wear overalls and shop at Home Depot.

(Originally posted by Monica after her trip to Sweden, Finland and Estonia, June 27-July 11, 2003)

Last Friday I returned from an idyllic, adventuresome, fantastic trip to Sweden and Finland. As many of you know, it is often my custom when abroad to send back emails detailing my picaresque mishaps and successes while beyond our American borders. However, the proliferation of WAP-phones and the SMS culture of Scandinavia, combined with the utter non-online-ness of Lapland, prevented me from communicating in any kind of digital fashion. I resorted to keeping an ana-log in a little pink notebook acquired prior to leaving Seattle. It now contains 80 pages of expense tallies, confused language notes regarding Finnish and Estonian, and a daily narrative. I cannot here transcribe it.

You may have many of your own perceptions about Scandinavia – as I had prior to seeing it for myself. I provide a cultural quiz here drawn from my 14 days in the North as a measure of your conjecture against my experiences.

True/False

1. It is warm enough to enjoy your drinks outside the bar on a Swedish evening.
2. The slowdown of the economy makes it impossible for everyone to have a knife at a restaurant.
3. Girls in white dresses ride the Stockholm subway.
4. The family sauna on the overnight Silja ferry from Stockholm to Helsinki is a positive experience.
5. Barhopping on the Silja ferry’s 3 bars is fun.
6. The Finnish language is difficult to master, but easy to imitate.
7. I was immediately identified as an American everywhere I went.
8. I was marked as a member of the reindeer herd in a special ceremony by a Lappish shaman.
9. I am somehow related to everyone in the southern Lappish province of Posio.
10. I saw Rudolph the Red-Nosed reindeer meet an untimely end on the Finnish highway.
11. It seems a horrible fate to be a parent in Scandinavia.
12. Muikku are everywhere.

Answers
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As I ascended the volcano with my beloved companion by cover of darkest night, I knew what I had to do. It was time– in my heart, I knew that. We had traveled so far together, and this was right. As we got nearer the top, I could feel the ring, heavier, heavier, weighing on me.
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Whatever insult you might hurl at an Italian, you best be prepared to defend yourself if you question his culinary originality. I’ve known of family fueds lasting for decades over a grandmother claiming that a cousin stole her recipe for Sunday gravy and claimed it as her own.

Tony Blair better watch out, lest Berlusconi decide to defend his country’s kitchenary honour against this most outrageous claim.

Yeah, it’s just like Spain. Well sort of. I’d still rather return to the Iberian peninsula, but in the meantime, shopping at Trader Joes certainly does bring me happy little moments of gourmet bargain-laden glee. And apparently so to many of my ilk.

I hate when I fit a stereotype.

Ah, cool. Hopefully now I’ll be able to figure out what the hell Julie was saying the other night at dinner. Fa’ shizzle. Try translating nonfamous. Or at least read the translation of Jay’s post this morning:

It’s not even 9 am, ‘n I’ve already been asked by my uber-boss’s assistant “What time is yo’ flight tomorrow?” This is not a question I particularly wanted hear, know what I’m sayin’?

“10 am, know what I’m sayin’? Why?”

“Then yo’ ass could do an 8:30 conference call? The time da client wanted this afternoon won’t work n’ shit. ”

Mind yo’ ass, this is wit da clients who are pretty much da bane of my existence right at da moment.” They are nice ’nuff muthas, ‘n gravy clients, but hella, uh, collaborative, know what I’m sayin’? Ten emails ‘n 6 phone calls a day collaborative n’ shit. Six drafts when da timeline specifies two, wit each draft having mo’ substantive comments than da last n’ shit. So basically, as they close da cabin door ‘n rip da phone out of my hands, I’ll hear a low drone intoning something like “.” ..what we really need see mo’ of would be an example of customers who are integrating they business processes fo’ greater operating productivity through enhanced teaming ‘n Six Sigma recruiting ‘n retention management n’ shit. ..” And my eyes will roll back into my heezee, ‘n when I wake up we’ll be in Maui!

It’s not even 9 am, and I’ve already been asked by my uber-boss’s assistant “What time is your flight tomorrow?” This is not a question I particularly wanted to hear.

“10 am. Why?”

“Then you could do an 8:30 conference call? The time the client wanted this afternoon won’t work.”

Mind you, this is with the clients who are pretty much the bane of my existence right at the moment. They are nice enough people, and good clients, but very, uh, collaborative. Ten emails and 6 phone calls a day collaborative. Six drafts when the timeline specifies two, with each draft having more substantive comments than the last. So basically, as they close the cabin door and rip the phone out of my hands, I’ll hear a low drone intoning something like “…what we really need to see more of would be an example of customers who are integrating their business processes for greater operating productivity through enhanced teaming and Six Sigma recruiting and retention management…” And my eyes will roll back into my head, and when I wake up we’ll be in Maui!

I am so clearly NOT going to tell anyone at work where we are staying!

Two years of blood, sweat, and yelling, but hey folks, my books are finally for sale! That’s right, the Windows Server 2003 Deployment Kit is hot off the presses and a bargain for you advantage shoppers at only $115.19 on BarnesandNoble.com.

I know you’ve all been eagerly awaiting this since the publication of the ever popular Windows XP Professional Resource Kit Documentation, my first book as writer and project manager.

Get ‘em while they’re hot, kids. You know these babies won’t last long.