Return to nonfamous.com index page

March 24, 2005

Chocolate Jesus Bunny

As Christians everywhere get geared up for the holiest day of the year, I always find myself pondering the age old question: When Jesus comes out of the cave and sees his shadow, why are there 6 more months of winter?

Oh hell, I don’t know. Go have fun and make a chocolate Jesus Bunny!

March 17, 2005

Legal Precedence Trumps Fact

The New Jersey legislature obviously has more lawyers and administrators than technical editors, since it seems likely to recognize the tomato as the official state vegetable: State Tomato Debate May Prove Fruitful. Read the senate bill S1588, currently referred to the Senate Economic Growth Committee.

I tried to discover the bill that declared the apple the official fruit of the state of Washington, but it seems that happened too long ago to be on line. However, I did find the chapter in the Revised Code of Washington that specifies the official state nouns: flower, fruit, bird, fossil (not Slade Gorton), song, dance, tartan... there's no vegetable, but there is a grass.

March 16, 2005

Angry bed positions

From the author of TMGAIHAA I give you Angry Bed Positions for your convenient reference.

With Jay being away for the past few days I've adopted "lonely bed position #1". It's kinda like Angry Bed Position #2, but the left-hand side of the bed is empty. (And lest you get the wrong idea, Jay doesn't usually wear a nightskirt to bed.)

March 14, 2005

Fun for all us Ali G fans

They don't like him in Virginia.

March 02, 2005

About those TPS reports

Office Space meets the League of Justice, flawlessly. Enjoy! [Link courtesy of BoingBoing.]

March 01, 2005

Save Toby! (or not)

Save Toby!... or perhaps not:
A) Maybe this will distract all the anti-Bonsai-Kitten people from our site.
B) Who doesn't like a nice Moroccan Hare Tagine?

And it goes without saying... this guy is a marketing genius. (Saying "evil marketing genius" would be entirely redundant.)

[Thanks for the tip, Mike!]

February 14, 2005

Crappy Valentines' Day!

I had to laugh at this Boing Boing post about a "hilariously mistranslated " candy wrapper:

"[W]hen I first saw this... I was stunned and speechless. It literally means "crazy diarrhea" in both Chinese Hanzi and Japanese Kanji."

Then again, maybe it's like that time we put Ex-Lax in my crazy English teacher's hot chocolate!

February 02, 2005

Redmond iPodders beware!

Wired News: Hide Your IPod, Here Comes Bill

Microsoft's leafy corporate campus in Redmond, Washington, is beginning to look like the streets of New York, London and just about everywhere else: Wherever you go, white headphones dangle from peoples' ears.

To the growing frustration and annoyance of Microsoft's management, Apple Computer's iPod is wildly popular among Microsoft's workers.

It's a really funny article. I'm certainly glad Paulette is towing the line with her Windows device!!!

You too can be in South Park

Here's a nifty site where you can create your own South Park character. Try making one in your own image! Here is my attempt:

SouthParkDMS.PNG

January 27, 2005

He goes to a church/ called the UCC...

...SpongeBob SquarePants!

This is awesome... absolutely the right way to deal with the lunatic fringe: laugh at them!

Joining the animated fray, the United Church of Christ today (Jan. 24) said that Jesus' message of extravagant welcome extends to all, including SpongeBob Squarepants - the cartoon character that has come under fire for allegedly holding hands with a starfish.

"Absolutely, the UCC extends an unequivocal welcome to SpongeBob," the Rev. John H. Thomas, the UCC's general minister and president, said, only partly in jest. "Jesus didn't turn people away. Neither do we."
...
While Dobson's silly accusation makes headlines, it's also one more concrete example of how religion is misused over and over to promote intolerance over inclusion," Thomas said. "This is why we believe it is so important that the UCC speak the Gospel in an accent not often heard in our culture, because far too many experience the cross only as judgment, never as embrace."

Amen, brother!

January 19, 2005

January 18, 2005

Another 5 great ones from Merlin

5ives: Five more slightly misleading revelations of federally-funded abstinence programs

"Five more slightly misleading revelations of federally-funded abstinence programs

1. Liberal senators want to award slutty girls free sub for 6th abortion
2. Wearing green on Thursday makes you so totally gay
3. Douche with Dr. Pepper and your baby will have luxurious brown hair
4. When you masturbate on a Sunday, Jesus punches Keith Moon in the mouth
5. Latex condoms make your kooch smell like a pork rind: forever!"

January 17, 2005

Hell hath no fury

From the Big Book of Creative Revenge comes this odd little story about "A Polish woman ...sentenced to four months' imprisonment for terrorizing the boss by making ghostly sounds at his castle-like estate. "

I've had a boss or two I'd like to get back at; why didn't this idea ever occur to me?

December 21, 2004

You thought you had a bad day?

I'm filing this little tidbit from Engadget under "ha," but it's really note funny.

So the other day a UPS driver in New Hampshire was on his way to the Cheshire Medical Center in Keene to deliver some much-needed parts for a piece of medical equipment when he got into a crash. He suffered a head injury and was taken by ambulance to the very same hospital he was headed to, but they weren't able to do any of the tests they needed because the brain scan machine was broken--and the parts needed to fix it were sitting in his wrecked truck on the highway. If only there were some word to describe situations like these...

Read the whole story here.

December 15, 2004

The Lap Pillow

Ah... so relaxing...





This lovely pillow is available with both a red and a black skirt for matching your decor or mood! Read about it or see the video. A lap that will not refuse to be rested upon!

December 11, 2004

Cost of Expressing True Love Rises 1.6%

It has been a good year for skilled workers in service industries—dancing ladies, leaping lords, piping pipers, and drumming drummers all saw an increase in their billable rates. However, the greatest cost in the gifts of the Twelve Days of Christmas lies—or perhaps lay—with the French hens, who have produced fewer hatchlings lately.

PNC Advisors put the cost of the 364 items (including repetitions) in the song at $66,334, up 1.6% from last year. This is a very modest increase over last year's, though I urge anyone considering the giving of this gift package to weigh the considerable housing and maintenance costs you would impose on the recipient and the reluctance of skilled laborers to perform menial farm work.

The frugal might consider unique purchases—no repetition—which would run $17,297, though I still challenge you to think about housing fifty people and 23 animals.

December 10, 2004

SS+K Television

Given that all of my clients will be laughing at me about this, I suppose there is no reason not to tell y'all about SS+K TV. It's my firm's approach to the annual Holiday Greetings arms race--how can we be even more creative than our competitors, and than ourselves last year?

This year, the answer lay in the idea of making employees abase themselves produce original holiday-themed content that will be streamed on the web all next week. The results will be, uh, creative. The cards listing everyone's "episode" just went out and I've been fielding vaguely mocking calls all day. I won't tell you exactly what I'm doing, but I will warn you that it involves jewelry, Spode plates, a Santa hat and my fabulous singing voice. And it makes me look like a pompous would-be hybrid of Alistair Cooke and Donnie Deutsch.

Tune in Friday, December 17, at 9:30 am PST. For you, the pain will only last a few minutes. But for me, the shame will be eternal. On the other hand, it can't be too much worse than Jeopardy!

Body Armour for Everyone

This story isn't really that funny, but what IS funny is where I found it: at the top line of Google news. Now THAT'S funny.

December 07, 2004

Travel trailer hoochie mamas

retroCRUSH presents a very humorous stroll down memory lane to a day when scary tramps vamped to sell campers. It was a more innocent time, before rednecks knew that scenes like these were proof of depraved moral values that would destroy the country. Ah, for the days when poor white evangelical men spent more time thinking about separating Daisy Duke from her notional virginity than they spent plotting the destruction of the last vestiges of the separation of church and state!

The suggestive suggest captions are a riot: "Why just look at the way my fingernails glide over these twin firm smooth propane tanks. They're just full of pressure and ready to explode, if they get too hot to handle, if you know what I mean!"
16.jpg

Enjoy!

December 02, 2004

November 29, 2004

Canada Busy Sending Back Bush-Dodgers

Joe Blundo of The Columbus Dispatch recently filed this report about liberals flooding north. I got this sent to me on the Seattle Burning Man mailing list; in looking for a web source for the story, I found this posted several places. You might want to pick one of these links to read it, unless you already have an account on the Dispatch's web site.

''I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. ''How many art-history majors does one country need?"

November 23, 2004

Guerrilla Disclaimers

Hey Kids! Here's a handy set of stickers you can use to scientifically validate your textbooks. It's subversive and educational! Click on the image for more stickers you can use.

Textbook Disclaimer Stickers Detail.gif

With thanks to Colin Purrington.

November 21, 2004

Dep't of "I can't make this shit up"

Agenda Inc. has a story that I can barely categorize, much less comment on:

A home makeover-style TV programme in Iraq that offers needy families the opportunity to have their war-damaged homes re-built from scratch has become a massive hit. Labour And Materials, broadcast on Iraqi satellite channel Al Sharqiya, does not merely redecorate a room, but reconstructs entire properties destroyed in the ongoing conflict in the country.

November 17, 2004

The Mind Is a Funny Thing

Over 34 years, an Ohio man squirreled away more than one million pennies— organized by year of minting and mint— in 575 cigar boxes. (Organizing by president would have been simpler.) For a relaxing evening, the 78-year-old man enjoyed going down to the basement and counting some of what became about five tons. I suspect smoking might also have been involved.

A different article on the same story (which I was only able to view once before being required to create an account) reveals that Mr. Sukie also has collections of playing cards, matches and pencils with logos on them, and about two thousand Hot Wheels.

I've had collections, too. When I was in my first couple of years of elementary school (and would have been ecstatic about having two thousand Hot Wheels), I liked to collect sugar packets from the diners that my family seemed to frequent, because they typically had pictures printed on them. (And they contained one of my favorite drugs.) I especially liked those that commemorated the nearby tourist attraction. Later, I got more space-conscious, and I'd empty the sugar from the packets prior to storage. I'm not sure when I stopped collecting sugar packets, but I do remember that for quite a while, I couldn't find a sugar packet that had anything but a company logo on it. The thrill was gone.

November 15, 2004

The Depressed Democrat's Guide to Recovery

I don't know why Salon hasn't been adding new content from Mark Fiore lately, but Mother Jones has: The Depressed Democrat's Guide to Recovery. "Feelings of inadequacy, disbelief, and delusion may recur."

October 26, 2004

(Almost) nothing about the election

This is a great little blog: 5ives: Merlin's Lists of Five Things. My favorites:

Five bands I don’t think I’m enjoying as much as I’m supposed to
1. Radiohead
2. PJ Harvey
3. Sleater Kinney
4. Liz Phair
5. Scissor Sisters

Five things I suppose you could do to “the vote” if you ever tire of “rocking” it
1. Broast the Vote!
2. Pummel the Vote!
3. Gently Strum the Vote!
4. Benchpress the Vote!
5. Botox the Vote!

Five companies I suspect I may be the bitch of
1. Gillette
2. Apple
3. Sprint
4. Costco
5. Trader Joe’s

Five things it’s probably better not to do when you’re kind of drunk
1. buy domain names
2. hire an attorney
3. do lots of file management from the command line
4. sort out your finances
5. telephone people you remember fondly from elementary school

Five ass-related words I think I use a lot
1. metric assload (n.) - a lot
2. asshat (n.) - willfully ignorant person
3. assy (adj.) - unacceptably low-quality
4. big-ass (adj.) - large
5. asstacular (adj.) - really bad

October 25, 2004

How do I loathe W?

Let me count the ways.

October 22, 2004

Of course: Falaphilia.com

It's amazing to me that O'Reilly can still show his face in public. Especially now that his actions have coined the term falaphilia: An abnormal fondness for being in the presence of middle eastern foods. Also called taboulehmania, hummulingus.

Paulette, I think you may have actually said this the other night! But the real gem is on their fam mail page: "Do I see an advertising spot in Mr. O'Reilly's future? Baba Gadouche Feminine Cleanser (TM) needs a spokesman!"

October 12, 2004

October 08, 2004

It's good to be in DC

Our friends at JibJab (remember that "This Land is My Land" funny?) have a new jingle out, and it's good for a chuckle.

October 06, 2004

And now for something completely different

And now, in a break from our usual fare, check out this totally non-political bit of absurdity from from www.tvgohome.com. Be sure to check out the viewer warnings for When Rumsfeld Met Sally.

tvgohome-040403.jpg

September 29, 2004

And the answer to life, the universe and everything is...

With the spirit of humour in which it is clearly intended, I offer you the Official God FAQ.

(Thanks to Ray.)

September 17, 2004

September 14, 2004

Get the Drunk Home

Just in case you haven’t had the chance to stumble home on your own, now you can pretend you’re the DRUNK in the privacy of your office!!!!

GET THE DRUNK HOME

Move your mouse left to right (no clicking) to keep him walking in a straight line!! The object of the game is the keep him walking without falling over! The problem, as in real life, you can’t really see where you’re going (i.e.: you can’t see you cursor!)
Apparently the record is 82 meters!

September 10, 2004

August 31, 2004

Pleasure Boat Captains for Truth

Learn the real truth about W's pre-born-again "reckless" and "irresponsible" years as told by the Pleasure Boat Captains for Truth. (Click on the "Low Tolerance" link.)

August 23, 2004

Super Dingo

Super Dingo,
Many Cattle
Australian Outback,
Blood Splattle

A Super Dingo may eat more babies!!!!

August 20, 2004

Hey, now, where do you think you're going?

Not sure what's wrong with those no-fly lists? Get a load of this.

August 19, 2004

Bear Beer Bash

CNN has a funny story about an alcoholic bear. But he doesn't drink just anything:


It turns out the bear was a bit of a beer sophisticate. He tried a mass-market Busch beer, but switched to Rainier Beer, a local ale, and stuck with it for his drinking binge.

August 17, 2004

The Adventures of Action Item

What would happen if superheroes used Microsoft Outlook? Find out here.

August 11, 2004

Those crazy spammers

This was posted as a comment to this post about optical illusions:

"Or think again of the fact that everybody (usa visa) nowadays loves The Carpenters, but we almost (accept credit card) inevitably listen to them through the prism (green card) of Karen's illness and death, thus reading all (green card) lottery"
Posted by: merchant account on August 11, 2004 05:11 PM

I view spammers through the prism of their illness. Then I despam their comments in about 1 second and ban their IPs.

August 05, 2004

Chicken run! or not...

I am trying to work out how this could have happened, and it's just not coming to me. My understanding of the physics of windshield wipers and chicken motion is limited, but still, their intersection in this particular way seems somehow unlikely. Maybe I should be considering something about how quantum physics' effect on time and motion might be involved...

Escape-A-Date is the new Dodgeball

With apologies to Jay for not letting sleeping dogs lie or dead horses decompose gracefully, but I had to bring up this new service from Cingular that will call you during a date and walk you through a script that can be used to convince your dud of a date that you suddenly need to rush off.

Bush and Beans

Ok, i just could not resist this wonderful little BUSH doll!
What is politics without a little bathroom humor anyway???
While you're there, check out the Dirty Little Gnomes

July 26, 2004

Perfect "Dear John" Media

Here's some stationery I won't be licking closed: paper made from elephant dung. "Sheets have a unique color and texture, depending on the diet, age and dental health of the elephant that has produced the dung..." Apparently, George W. has been presented with a box of said paper, perhaps to celebrate his party's mascot. I hope that DeLay and Frist will present their future legislative texts on dung paper.

July 23, 2004

Beeb: "US army food... just add urine"

There's no way to make this stuff up. So would that be MRE or MRpee? (Thanks x2, Ray!)

Spot the Difference

If you need a relaxing break from your busy day, why not play spot the difference with this tranquil pastoral scene. (Thanks, Ray.)

July 13, 2004

Scambaiting

I'm sure all of you have received at least half a dozen of those emails from the brother of the deposed president of Nigeria who wants to smuggle millions of dollars out of the country and would be willing to skim off several boxes of ziti to compensate you for the trouble of aiding him. All you need to do is send him your bank account information and we're good to go.

And you're always wondering, who would be stupid enough to fall for such an obvious scam as this? Well, apparently some of the guys writing the scamming notes in the first place, amusingly enough. At least, that's what the boys at 419eater.com have been finding out. In the BBC story, they actually got one of these guys to send them a picture of himself and $80! Now that would be satisfying.

July 12, 2004

Tips for bringing Christianity to the office...

From »«TBogg»«

The title of this great post is "At lunch Bob and I are going to go stone that whore in Accounting. Wanna come?" What more do you need to know? Go read it.

Heavy on the Mayo

OK, this is funny. This poor guy has the misfortune to have a name spelled "Mayo"-- and is competing in the Tour de France. Apparently the jokes have been rolling in the English-speaking press...i.e., "Hold the Mayo," "Can't Hold the Mayo," "Mayo on a Roll" and "Mayo Spreads It Around."

And now for something completely different

It's nice to know that, with the world apparently going straight on to hell, drunk naked Swedes stuck under gates still warrant news stories.

July 09, 2004

The intersection of quantum physics, orthography, and politics

Courtesy of Tom Tomorrow:

russert.jpg

June 26, 2004

Just like Miss Cleo

Check out the genius of White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett on "Fahrenheit 9/11":

"This is a film that doesn't require us to actually view it to know it's filled with factual inaccuracies."

Need I comment?

June 25, 2004

More Friday Political Funnies

This one from Kinky Friedman, in the usually drab Seattle Times, explaining his decision to run for governor of Texas in 2006. He's got as good a platform as any to back up his gubernatorial bid, "How Hard Could it Be?"

a friday funny

This is amusing. And making fun of Bush/Cheney. Which is always good for a laugh. You know. It's funny because it's true, and all that.

June 24, 2004

All Daily Show, all the time

Fact: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart is indispensible. If I didn't watch this show, I could never bear to watch the actual news (following the Jimmy Buffet Doctrine that if we couldn't laugh we'd all go insane).

But I know that there are some people who do not have the particular combination of DirecTV and Tivo that lets David and I get our fix whenever we need it. So rectify this problem, I am happy to provide a link to the Daily Show's website, which is replete with amazing clips of the show. If you can only watch a couple, be sure to see Rob Corddry get freaked out by an anti-gay activist with an overactive imagination, or Stephen Colbert's surreal interview with nouveau-Repub Don King.

Unfortunately I can't find a clip of Jon Stewart ripping Stephen Hayes a new one Monday night (but you can read part of the transcript here). Hayes, author of "The Connection," a poorly reported piece of propanda about those "relationships" Saddam and Al Qaeda had, was utterly demolished, and knew it. Stewart is a great host even when he clearly disagrees with the guest, but for once he totally took the gloves off and went in for the kill. I was too exhausted to listen to an idiot like Hayes and (stupidly) went to bed befoe the show was over. But from what David and everyone else says about it, it was like watching a lion eat a particularly smart-ass gazelle. I'm sure a clip will turn up somewhere soon.

June 20, 2004

"Don't go there? I LIVE there!"

Slate has a good piece on Margaret Cho's new Sundance Channel concert film Revolution. David and I saw the show live in Seattle last year, so the content wasn't fresh but it's always fun having Hurricane Margaret (or should that be Typhoon?) rush over your consciousness. The Persimmon Poop riff is a bit much, but it plays to great effect. If anyone wants to see it, we still have it on Tivo.

June 18, 2004

In honour of Pride Month

In honour of Pride Month it's ...

A gay pride of lions

A gay pride of lions!

Well, it made me laugh anyway.

May 20, 2004

Vocation: Baggage Screener

Do you have what it takes to protect this country on the front lines? The vanguard role of baggage screener might be for you! Thanks to the miracle of modern computer simulation, you can test your screening skills—and your resistance to the whinings of passengers. Don't wait for reality television or embedded reporting to bring this exciting world to you!

May 11, 2004

Add brats, Australia Fair!

I can't really add anything to this... thanks for sending it Jamie!

Do It for Your Country

CANBERRA (Reuters) - Australian couples owe it to their country to have more children and should get on with the job, the nation's treasurer said on Tuesday.

"You go home and do your patriotic duty tonight," Peter Costello said when asked by a journalist if he was "the family-friendly treasurer saying get out there and procreate."

May 05, 2004

The govenator

It's nice to know that Governor Schwarzenegger is handling the tough issues facing his administration head on.

I like this part of the story best:

"This will depend on what it is people are buying: a bobblehead of Schwarzenegger like they would buy one of Britney Spears, or is the bobblehead making a political statement, which would be protected by the First Amendment," said Los Angeles attorney Robert N. Benjamin.

I can't help but wonder what, exactly, that political statement would be. That he bobbles on issues? That his head is disproportionately Republican? That he can benefit Ohio's economy as well as California's? That it was his venture into comedy that ruined his film career? That he's actually the pop tart's biological father?

And who says that buying a Britney Spears bobblehead is inherently not a political statement? The quagmire of issues this brings up is really quite intricate, isn't it?

May 04, 2004

April 24, 2004

Two faces of paulette

Hmm...Do you think mine's a good likeness?
paulette_avatar.JPG

April 23, 2004

My avatar

Jayavatar.bmp

David's is better, which figures because he's so photogenic.

Create your own avatar

avatar-david.gif
Create your own avatar. (Tipster: Ray.) I tried to make one that looks like me, but they don't provide the right kind of beard.

Actually, this would make a great psychological test. Does the avatar you create look like you ... or do you just think it does?

April 22, 2004

The Silmarillion in <1K words

If you spent way too much of sixth grade pretending you could read Elvish, this is almost like sacrilege. But if you came a bit later to the whole Tolkien thing, this is a very humorous condensation of the way-way-back story to LOTR. One thing it does very efficiently is to show clearly Tolkien's debt to the Norse creation myths.

April 16, 2004

dance, chicken, dance!

Because sometimes, you just need something even stupider than badgers to entertain you.

April 08, 2004

ESL notes on "Network"

I finally got David to watch the amazingly prescient film Network tonight, and as I predicted he quite enjoyed it. I did too--I always do--as the film has some of my favorite dialogue. Paddy Chayefsky was a screenwriting god.

Anyway, I wanted to look up references in Google to a few trenchant lines from the movie, and I stumbled upon ESLnotes.com's notes on the slang and topical references in the film. It is nothing short of genius, somewhere between Cliff's Notes and a dictionary of slang. (A funny but grammatically difficult insult. "Blow it out your ass" is a very vulgar and somewhat dated way of saying "fuck you," and generally speaking, the "it" is rarely replaced by another direct object, as Laureen does here. In this case, "the seminal prison infrastructure" refers to the political organizing of prisoners. "Seminal" is a word that means seed, or the beginning of an organization, and "infrastructure" is an important word referring to physical foundations, such as streets.) Though the notes on Network are "among the longest we've ever written," you can peruse notes on everything from Amistad to The Wizard of Oz.

When you think about it, millions of non-native speakers have learned English through the movies--so the effort makes sense. But to the native speaker, there is an earnestness that is both touching and disconcerting. On the other hand, one has to wonder if this feeling is not the very same an Elizabethan would have looking through the ridiculously didactic footnotes that embellish every modern edition of Shakespeare.

March 18, 2004

Almost as good as Jeannine's letter

Courtesy of Boing Boing, a shot of some crazy roadside signage from Oklahoma. I'v eactaully seen this, it's along I-35 so like a million people see it area.

It's wild how much this resembles The Famous and Nonfamous Letter: "...this cause greatly accelerated resorting to this area terrorism and criminal acts against us..."

March 17, 2004

Hail F***ing Britannia

In the midst of our weird, 50s-flashback boob-flash and F-word scandals in the states, Britain's Channel 4 produced this amazing ad featuring tons of celebrities (both American favorites and a bunch of furners I don't recognize) sharing with us their favorite swear words. Obviously NSFW without headphones, but "fucking brilliant". (That's mine, with "for fuck's sake" a close second.) So if you're a Repub, this basically guarantees that the Mother Country is going to drown in its own moral turpitude, right?

March 15, 2004

And not a drop to drink

The interesting Techdirt blog has a great story on a California town that almost passed a law banning Dihydrogen Monoxide. Talk about your dry counties!

February 27, 2004

More on Pabst

A couple of remarks on Pabst... one professional, the other personal.

First, you should read Rob Walker's original version of his big NYT Mag piece on Pabst and "the marketing of no marketing." Basically, Pabst has worked very hard to grow its sales without doing anything so overt as to gross out the urban hipsters who have been so critical to their new success. Savvy marketers have come to understand the dynamics of audiences like these only recently, thanks to The Tipping Point, the rise of coolhunting, and the prevalence of guerilla marketing. (With the exception of the geekier enterprise stuff I do for a certain software client, this is pretty much the kind of thing I get paid to think about.) My company has done a tiny bit for Pabst along the way, but clearly if we were working for them now you would not be pondering the backlash. (Ahem.)

The other story is funnier, and of about the vintage as the great old ads Gary linked to. My mom's side of the family was for decades entirely teetotaling--nary a drink for anyone, and very holy about the whole thing.

My mom might have been three or four, and was at dinner with my grandparents and some family friends. It was a big night out at the nicest restaurant in their small town in southern Oklahoma and she was dressed up like a proper little lady. The waitress waited until last to ask her what she would like to drink: "What'll you have little lady?"

"I'll have a Pabst Blue Ribbon, please!" said said, smiling, a perfect parrot of the TV slogan.

My grandparents tried to be mortified, but everyone just ended up cracking up. Behold the power of advertising.

She is teased about this to this day--which is funny, because though The Judy is emphatically no longer a teetotaler, she cannot stand beer.

So when people talk about Pabst being old-school, that's what always comes to my mind.

February 26, 2004

See the Creamy Head

I found these two commercials (in a single streaming clip) for Pabst Blue Ribbon while I was doing research for a comment on one of Jay's posts. They're funny!

Something about the first, with its three-qualification test seemed familiar, and I wonder if I saw some version of that ad campaign while I was still young and impressionable (instead of old and impressionable). I hope I remember to order a PBR from Kim the next time.

The second ad is wonderful. The protagonist is an urbane suburbanite, and in his soliloquy he tells us he hasn't "always been a Blue-Ribbon drinker", and he doesn't quite remember when he started—a memory lost in the squalid, pre-Enlightenment past, no doubt. Definition through consumption! And I can apparently catch up even if I haven't yet gotten it together. Get me a case!

It seems like I've had more than one conversation lately that reveals a backlash against PBR's recent rise in popularity. I guess too many people are drinking it for the wrong reasons—that is, stylish anti-stylishness. Perhaps like subsidized housing, one should only be allowed to purchase PBR if one's income is below a certain threshhold. (One legitimate reason to drink it regardless of income: your only other choice is Rainier.)

Beware baskets bearing delicious muffins

When I read this story, I can't help but imagine Martha laboring into the night over a lovely basket of lemon-poppyseed muffins with a light dusting of strichnine--perfect for all those pre-jail revenge occasions. It's a good thing!

February 23, 2004

If *only* I had known

I could have asked for one of these for Valentine's Day. Next year, Little Smith, OK?

All You Ever Needed to Know About Global Economics Can Be Learned On A 10-Hour Flight

Funny story from the UK Telegraph of case of mistaken identity backed up by some serious chutzpah. Oxford engineering student Matthew Richardson is invited to China to give a series of lectures on global economics. (The Chinese were actually looking for an NYU professor of the same name.) Undaunted by his total lack of knowledge on the topic, he brushes up on a student textbook during the flight to China and bluffs his way through.

I wonder if the rights have already been sold.

February 19, 2004

For the record, not something we Quake players do

So I've heard plenty of gay rugby jokes over the past few years, including every possible dirty pun involving the word "scrum." But this story (copied below) from Australia goes, quite simply, a knuckle too far.

FRIDAY FEBRUARY 20, 2004

The most vile act ever!
Sportal

Controversial Wests Tigers winger John Hopoate has been suspended for
12 weeks after being found guilty by the NRL Judiciary of poking his
fingers up the anuses of three North Queensland players.

Accused of one of the most bizarre charges in the history of rugby
league, or sport in general for that matter of fact, Hopoate was
officially found guilty of 'unsportsmanlike interference'.

On the evidence of video footage and the damning testimony from the
three Cowboys players, Hopoate was always likely to be found guilty.
The length of his sentence seen as the only contentious matter.

In the end the NRL Judiciary had little trouble differentiating
between a "wedgie", a "finger up the arse" and the area between
the "arse and the nuts" before finding Hopoate guilty.

NRL judiciary commissioner Jim Hall described Hopoate's case as the
worst he had experienced in his 45-year involvement in rugby league.

"I've never come across a more disgusting allegation than I've had to
deal with now," he said.

Hopoate, 27, was found guilty on three separate counts of
deliberately sticking his fingers up the anuses of Peter Jones, Paul
Bowman and Glenn Morrison in Saturday night's match at Dairy Farmers
Stadium.

Hopoate, a former Australian Test winger, insisted he was merely
trying to give Jones and Morrison a wedgie in order to perform a
quick play-the-ball and that he did not stick his finger up Bowman's
anus.

Asked by his consel Bernie Gross QC where he was directing his finger
at Bowman, the Cowboys captain, Hopoate replied: "Between his arse
and his nuts".

Hopoate maintained he did nothing wrong in administering the wedgies
and went on to say: "I'm a great believer in what happens on the
field should stay there."

Asked to describe what a wedgie felt like, the Tigers winger
replied: "You get a burning sensation. Your undies are getting reefed
up your arse."

Hopoate's defence counsel contended to Jones that his client had
merely administered a "wedgie" on the Cowboy in the seventh minute of
the match.

"It wasn't a wedgie. That's when your pants are pulled up your arse.
I think I know the difference between a wedgie and someone sticking
their finger up my bum," said Jones, admitting that while both acts
caused discomfort, they caused different sensations and he could
differentiate between the two.

Jones claimed he hadn't provoked Hopoate and that afterwards he
immediately expressed his "disgust" and gave the Tongan international
a push.

Bowman said after tackling Hopoate in the 17th minute, he stood over
the winger and "that's when I felt fingers outside my shorts pushing
up my arse".

"There was pressure there. I know he wasn't doing it accidentally. He
was definitely pushing.

"I was disgusted. I couldn't believe it. I know it's a tough game,
but there's no room for that."

Gross argued that Bowman had been excessive in trying to slow Hopoate
from playing the ball by grabbing the North Queensland captain's leg.

But Bowman maintained that "if he (Hopoate) was a man, he wouldn't do
that".

When pressed by Gross, Bowman became angry and asked the QC: "If I
held your leg, would that give you the right to put your finger up my
arse?"

Morrison testified he was caused pain by Hopoate's action.

"Hopoate was trying to pick my arse. It's not a thing that I wanted
to happen and it's not a pleasant thing," Morrison said.

Tigers coach Terry Lamb, who has played 349 first grade games, said
it was resonably common to be touched in the region of the testicles.

In directing the panel before making a verdict, NRL judiciary
chairman Greg Woods told the former players not be swayed by
their "feeling of revulsion or distaste".

Gross pre-empted a guilty verdict would cause Hopoate "disgrace and
embarrassment".

After the hearing, Wests Tigers chairman John Chalk said the club
would appeal against the ruling.

The hearing also made headlines in London.

Under the headline "The sickest thing in sport? RL star is accused of
going up and under with fingers", tabloid newspaper The Mirror
compared the allegations against the rugby league player with boxer
Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield's ear.

"There was Vinnie Jones's infamous grab at Paul Gascoigne. Mike Tyson
got in on the act by biting a chunk out of Evander Holyfield's ear.
But sport can rarely have had such a bizarre charge as that levelled
at rugby league hard man John Hopoate," the paper said.

"The Wests Tigers star has been cited for "conduct unbecoming" after
allegedly persistently sticking his fingers up opponents' backsides
while making tackles."

Liberal broadsheet The Guardian also reported the claims.

February 13, 2004

As if we didn't already have enough time wasters

In this game, you get a series of still photos from movies with the people erased--their clothing and jewelry intact, but no faces or bodies to be seen--and you have to guess the movie. More addictive than I needed on such a busy Friday.

February 04, 2004

We laugh because we care

I thought I'd heard every tech support horror story, but this one, from today's Dilbert Newsletter (DNRC), is new to me and worth a chuckle:

A manager who received a new computer asked, "Don't these new computers come with CDROM drives?" I said yes. He insisted that his computer did not have a CDROM drive, but "There is a little drawer that opens at the BOTTOM of my computer, but it won't hold a CD." He had the computer upside down. I would have thought that the fact that everyone else got a "DELL" computer and his said "77ED" would have clued him in.

January 28, 2004

Happy Australia Day

Happy Australia Day! Well, it was Australia Day two days ago, the 26th. I'm ashamed to admit that I forgot -- Jay reminded me. It's been 13 years since I left there now. I still try to think of myself as a true-blue Aussie, but I've got to be honest: the ocker in me is fading fast. Like Bill Bryson who commented his accent was found drifting somewhere over the Atlantic, I think mine can be found somewhere near the Earth's core these days.

Anyway, it was nice to read this amusing little Australia Day story which is apparently doing the rounds, unattributed (thanks for forwarding it, Jerry!) to remind me of my ancestral home.

WE ARE ONE

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to flyover it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing.

We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk.

Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian!

P.S. We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!

January 27, 2004

A Hamster Dance For Our Times

A Hamster Dance For Our Times.

If you've been working long hours and your only diversion is checking the "Placing Things On Top of Other Things" tribe on Tribe.net for new insights and checking Google News to see if your country is going to hell (yes, a futile obsession), you might find Badger Badger Badger levitating (and perhaps hallucinogenic). I just know that I feel better having it on.

If you need a little more intellectual stimulation—but not much more—try some of the "toons" and stuff on weeble-stuff.

Until Spring Training Starts

Sometimes, with the levels of justifiable paranoia rising steadily, one needs to let out a little steam. And what better way that by using penguins for batting practice. The sick side of me required a meeting to pull me away from trying to reach my distance goal of 500.

January 09, 2004

of spam authors, math whizzes, y las drogas extra-potentes

Of course it was the usual spam, offering some drugs to increase the size of something nature didn't provide me with in the first place, but the subject line of the mail was enough to pique my interest and get me to open it in the first place. "Nullstellensatz".

Which, for the math illiterati, Hilbert's Nullstellensatz is the fundamental theorem that asserts that if F is an
algebraically closed field, and f; g1;... ;gm are polynomials in the ring of polynomials F[x1; ... ;xn],
where f vanishes over all common zeros of g1; ...;gm, then there is an integer k and polynomials
h1; ...;hm in F[x1;...;xn] so that
fk =n
X higi:
i=1

In the special case m = n, where each gi is a univariate polynomial of the form Qs2Si(xi - s), a stronger conclusion holds.

So, I guess, I can understand how that relates to member-enlarging lotions and such, but I still think the title was a little misleading.

December 19, 2003

WTF, courtesy of the NYT and Google AdWords

So I'm reading an article on the NYT about the Golden Globe Nominations, and my eye strays down to the "advertiser links" section at bottom. For the uninitiated, this is a feature powered by Google AdWords; it pulls ads based on article text. (I've considered adding it to the site; other folks with similarly trafficked blogs get about $15 a week from the program.)

Anyway, what were the ads served up?


End Times
Find out how current events show that we're living in the end times!
www.leftbehindprophecyclub.com

Is Christ coming back?Are you anticipating His return? See for yourself, the good news.
www.godword.org

The U.S. in the Bible
Are America and Great Britain mentioned in Bible prophecy?
www.wonderfulworldtomorrow.org

I was taken about... how in the world did a standard awards round-up article net this crop of nutty Jesus-freak ads? (I did pause brief to wonder if Jamie Curtis's nomination as best comic actress in "Freaky Friday" might be a sign of the End Times. Bad, but not that bad. Now if J. Lo had been nominated for "Gigli," I would have headed straight to church.)

It can only be "Return of the King." Is this intentional? Could freaky fundies really think that people looking for movie times want to see their ads? A deeply strange marketing strategy.

But I'm glad they are so misguided, because godword.org is such an entertainingly weird site that you must visit. Especially if you speak Chinese (Mandarin? Cantonese?) because they are looking for someone to translate some of the stuff Jesus said when he showed up in China recently (apparently speaking Chinese but somehow nobody there managed to translate it). Freaky stuff.

The "Left Behind Prophecy Club" is, of course, the same damn site I went off on a few months ago, operated by false prophet Tim LeHaye and Jerry Jenkins. (There is a nice Jacuzzi of Fire just waiting for them, imho.)

The "Wonderful World Tommorow" folks aren't as interesting as Even Latter Latter-Day Saints or Revelations novelizers--just the web site of a garden-variety UN-fearing fundamentalist radio program based in bustling Modesto, California.

Back to the godword.org folks... they have apparently had a tough time:


In 1995, we decided to formally begin to testify the good news of the Kingdom of the Almighty God, we depended on our gratefulness for God and truly love to testify God¡¦s appearance and work to brothers and sisters of every denomination. We never thought we would suffer the tremendous resistance and very strong slander from the leaders of every denomination, we only can sincerely say the prayers in front of God, we impetrated God to personally do the work. Following 1997, we saw the Holy Spirit consumedly work, and every local church number quickly gained.

Impetrated. Consumedly. Indeed. Did I mention that these people are in West Nyack, NY?

There's a lot more I'd like to read, like "God's Voice in China (selections)" but they are, like "Sing a new song with the Lamb," "in the process of waiting to for translation."

Stay tuned, friends.

December 17, 2003

October 23, 2003

Divorce Settlement via Ebay

Want to get rid of unwanted, but potentially valuable items your ex-wife left behind?
Use Ebay! Or is this just clever marketing?

October 16, 2003

ChoBlog

Margaret Cho has a blog and it's not bad. She beats up on Fred Phelps this week too. Sonny boy gonna have a busy few weeks on the Internet.

October 10, 2003

"WiFi SM: Feel the spectacle of pain"

There is a great German word, Weltschmerz, which roughly translates to "awareness of the pain of the world." Clearly, the world has plenty of pain, some caused by us in the West, who have almost no direct, unmediated way of appreciating just how bad things are in some places. The point is not guilt, but simple perception. Although the WiFi - SM site is a joke, and kid of a funny one, but it's not fundamentally a bad idea. I'd wear one for a week.

Less painful, but just as useful, might be a "daily Weltschmerz report" like the weather or UV index, that quantified suffering, distress, and discomfort on a global scale (and perhaps the pockets of elation, relief, and joy in others). The increasing insulation of the West from the real conditions of the majority of humanity is a serious problem, and I feel no idea is too far fetched that might bridge this gap.

October 02, 2003

Rush hooked on pills

There are very few people I am willing to say I hate. Rush Limbaugh is one of them. With the possible exception of Ailes and Murdoch's hell-spawned Fox News (which Rush made possible), no person has done more to spread lies, fan right-wing hysteria, and generally turn the airwaves into a sewer of uninformed and unthinking propaganda. Just today, he had to resign his ludicrous and unsuccessful stint as a color commentator for ESPN because of the furor around his suggestion the Philadelphia Eagles QB Donovan McNabb only gets media attention because the media want a black QB to succeed. (What is it with all these fat-ass white guys who have never played a sport signing up the be commentators? How did Madden get to be God?)

Anyway, the really good news is that Rush, having whipped up so many scandals, now has one of his very own: he's an inveterate pill-popper and he threatened his supplier, his maid, to continue getting him drugs. Just a nasty, nasty man all around. The NY Daily News has the scoop (from the National Enquirer, but the Daily News did independently verify that he's under investigation).

It does make you wonder how much worse an ass he would be if he weren't dropping oxycontin, Lortab, and hydrocodone?

I hope the "liberal media" stick a spit in him and slow-roast him for a few dozen news cycles. I'm sure he wouldn't taste good, but he could feed a starving village for a week... and thus some good could come from his miserable existence.

September 30, 2003

Hand-Held Design Focuses the Massage Right to Tension

Does sitting in front of that computer for so long lead to stress, pain, or fatigue? Thanks to a friend's Bulletin Board post on Friendster, I can point you to something to make it all melt away.

I do hope that version 2.0 will feature software control. Why hear "You've got mail!" when you could feel that you've got mail? Or maybe this is the perfect accompaniment to the force-feedback joystick. Add some stereo viewing goggles, and you're on your way to the cybernautic holy grail, teledildonics.

This explains a lot

Apparently primary schoolers in Australia like to toke up. At least the 5-year-old girl who made a bong in class does.

You gotta love the nonchalance displayed here:

"It's not unheard of that primary school children will be found with drugs at school,'' the teacher said.

"Usually it's just a bit of dope _ they've probably nicked it from their mum's purse and brought it along to show off."


September 26, 2003

Lest anyone doubt...

...that I get my sense of humor from my old man, I thought I would share an email I received from him this morning.

A local animal rights group is advocating sterlizing bears in NJ as an alternative to a recently approved bear hunt. I'm all for cleaner bears but I'm surprised that an animal rights group would suggest boiling them.

Jay, you better watch out

I mean, you gotta wonder, just a little, how much longer folks will want to pay for your no-doubt top notch branding services when they can get their own logo for free on the web.

And it even came up with a good one for our little venture: Just for the Taste of SDS.

Or how's about: Lipsmackin' Thirstquenchin' Acetastin' Motivatin' Goodbuzzin' Cooltalkin' Highwalkin' Fastlivin' Evergivin' Coolfizzin' Nonfamous.

And finally: Mama Mia, That'sa One Spicy Paulette Mckay!

September 25, 2003

Fun with Lawyers

A lawyer writes this parody of a safety warning for a ladder.

Yes, folks, lawyers can be funny! Check out lawhaha.com for other examples if you don't believe me. Even judges can be funny! (If you skip the boring guff on page 1, anyway. They've got the jokes down, it seems, but still have to work on the timing.)

September 18, 2003

16th C. Dickhead

This is for real. Next time somebody bemoans the fall of Western Culture after watching Fox, show them this 16th Century Italian maiolica plate. Next time you call somebody a dickhead, reassure them that it's an insult with a real heritage. (Thanks to my old friend Ilene Rubowitz, M.D. for this one!)

September 11, 2003

Badgers

Mushroom mushroom Snake SNAKE! weebls stuff

Weirdly addictive, worth the long load time.

September 09, 2003

Yikes!

I love The Onion, and I love its biting satire. But if I owned a small retail store, this "guest editorial by "Wal-Mart Store #3297" would make me cry. A sample:

I love looking around these mom-and-pop places. It helps me get a feel for a town's local flavor. Just out of curiosity, what do you tell your greeters to say around these parts? Oh, you don't have greeters? Then who greets the customers? Interesting. That certainly is one way of going about it, I guess.

It's dead-on, of course, and one of oh-so-many reasons I hate Wal-Mart.

September 04, 2003

Please may I never see these on the road!

Some numbnuts in Florida decided that his big 4x4 just wasn't enough overcompensation. So he invented Bumpernuts. Lord help us.

That's right. For just $24.95 you can have a realistic metal ballsac hanging from the bumper of your oversized gas guzzler. (Available in gold, silver, flesh, blue, black, and red.) Or, you know, pretty much any wheeled vehicle lying around the house.

I mean, I'm at least as big a fan of balls as the next person, but doesn't this just strike everyone as a) a bit crass and b) enticement for any thinking person to rear-end your car, just out of sheer decency? And wouldn't the fear of "automotive castration" be an added anxiety to anyone so in need of masculine reinforcement to put a pair of fake testicles on their bumper? What's next--hood dildos? Sheesh.

Brits+easyJet+beer=a big mess in Prague

I love it when the NYT gets all bitchy. This time, the headline readsTravel Advisory: British Abroad, Staggering About. The article is more than a bit arch, and funny as hell. I wouldn't want to run into 30 drunk blokes in their underwear in Wenceslas Square, but it's fun to read about them.

Also, apparently we are lightweights. To wit:

The pub's owner, Robbie Norton, said that though there was some truth to the complaints, most groups were harmless. Also, they are big business. For instance, he said, a party of 23 men drank 180 vodkas and 60 cans of Red Bull one Friday. "I know that sounds totally insane, but they came back and did the same thing on Saturday and the same thing on Sunday," he said.

Damn.

But the end of the article is the best:

Back at Rocky O'Reilly's, another stag party settled in. Having taken a bus tour of Prague that morning ("we're not just philistines," declared the groom, Marty Neley), they had concluded that it was time to get down to the real business of the weekend.

They planned to remain indoors, they said, so as not to offend people in the street. But it raised an interesting question: If all they wanted to do was drink at an Irish pub, why not just stay home?

"It's cheaper to come here than to go to Blackpool," said one of Mr.

Neley's friends, "and nobody knows us here."

August 18, 2003

Folk saying prevails

It would appear that Kansas is, as a matter of fact, flatter than a pancake. This proof, however, gives no indication whether Kansas goes better with jam or syrup.

July 29, 2003

ClayKittenShooting

This is simple, straightforward, and immensely satisfying: ClayKittenShooting.

Especially if you dislike cats.

Thanks for this one, Pete! When are we going to hear about your Israel and Poland trip, and see some photos?

July 28, 2003

More job ads should be like this

The Toxic Custard Workshop Files (one of the first blogs ever, which I've been reading since, oh, 1991) just pointed me to these two very amusing job ads [ad1] [ad2]. They were originally posted to Australia's monster-equivalent Seek, but found here in less evanescent form. More recruitment should be like this.

July 02, 2003

That's Corporal Houseboy to you!

So Slate reports that the Pentagon is sending soldiers to butler school. Not all of them, just the 300 or so who serve 3- and 4-star generals. One imagines these men serving a range of needs quite beyond the average swell: "Your Bunker Buster, Sir." Or, "There's an Iraqi rabble outside, Sir, should I have the troops use tear gas, or bullets?"

Well, I have some needs quite beyond the average general. (Of course I'm talking about cleaning up after Dozer and cleaning my rugby cleats-- nothing nefarious, as all that is, of course, solely David's department. Though I suppose there's not quite as much left in the category of "nefarious" after the Lawrence decision.) I wonder what it would take to get one of these guys for a houseboy after he leaves the service?

I mean, why can't I have a hunky ex-corporal taking out the trash if Anika could, in her SF heyday, have a guy clean the bathroom with a toothbrush while wearing a pink jock strap, with copious verbal abuse his sole recompense? Surely those military guys barter too. But the real question: would the pink jock strap go with the uniform?

June 25, 2003

And while we're on that note

And you thought it was cute coming up with your porn star name using that formula about the street you grew up on and your first pet's name? How about randomly generating your new band's name?

I think I'm going to make it big playing in The Crystal Sheep Symphony, but, you know, if we break up over artistic differences, I'm sure I can find some more like-minded folks to join me in taking Shaved Horse or Pool of Heads right up the pop charts.

Irony for the smartypants set

The little disclaimer at the bottom of the Postmodern Generator tells you that the text you've just read (and presumably laughed audibly at) is completely meaningless and randomly generated. So it's sort of a PoMo incarnation of that saying about how an infinite number of monkeys typing on an infinite number of typewriters would eventually write A Tale of Two Cities. Some of these are a real hoot.

Actually, I can almost imagine coming across something like this:

"Art is elitist," says Derrida; however, according to la Tournier[1] , it is not so much art that is elitist, but rather the rubicon, and eventually the genre, of art. Marx uses the term 'modernist neocapitalist theory' to denote not narrative, as libertarianism suggests, but postnarrative. In a sense, Bailey[2] implies that we have to choose between modernist neocapitalist theory and the structuralist paradigm of consensus.

in a lit major's paper somewhere. Like the woman in my lit theory class who, before section one day, was carrying on the following tirade about her boyfriend. "I mean, he comes over, he takes off his clothes, gets into bed, and starts reading Proust. I mean, sure I always read Proust naked, but it's just so affected to do it in another person's bed."

June 19, 2003

Fun with Squirrels

This link is courtesy of those wonderful Madpony girls-- easily my second favorite pair of Oklachicks at the moment. Sometimes, you just need to see really cute pictures of squirrels. Today was that day for me. The horrible crunch of work that I've been fearing since SS+K Day 1 has hit, just in time for a trip to New York next week that will make it 10 times harder to be more productive. Eeek.

But I mean squirrels!

June 11, 2003

""He's gone to the big chookery in the sky."

I can't do better than the headline. NEWS.com.au | 'Explosive' rooster taunts cops (June 9, 2003).

Beware of roosters bearing cannisters, friends.

April 15, 2003

Grade-A Weird

This just in, from our exclusive correspondent Pete: Hats of Meat.

April 04, 2003

Great PR charicature

Christopher Guest is at it again. The This is Spinal Tap and Best in Show auteur is at it again with A Mighty Wind. Click on "He'll make it a fire" for a great skewering of my new industry.

April 01, 2003

Get Ready America

Since we're at Orange Alert: please, please be sure to check out these handy pictograms from the Department of Homeland Security, indicating what to do in the event of a biological, nuclear, or other terrorist attack. You can never be too careful.

March 28, 2003

"Calibrate me."

I'm hitting the Slate pretty hard today-- in the midst of being wildly productive at work, I assure you. And I just found my new favorite phrase: "Calibrate Me".

While I technically agree with Timothy Noah that this Rumsfeld coinage is a bit arrogant, I'm going to use it anyway. I am, after all, in need of frequent calibration. (Hey Paulette and Julie: "You know who else is in need of frequent calibration? I am.") And I often depend on it from those around me.

Saying "Calibrate me" is way better than, say, insisting (like I did last night) that "Every Day is Like Sunday" is a Smiths song, not a Morrisey solo song. I even tried to bet David $50 (that I don't have!) that I was right-- thank God he wouldn't shake on that. Truth is, I needed calibrating. Which he did, as soon as we got home.

February 28, 2003

Whitehouse.org

Somehow I'd missed www.whitehouse.org in my lefty pinko homo search for satire on the net, but there it is, plain as day. A collection of the usual anti-Bush rants from around the net, plus some great original content. And all set up to look like www.whitegouse.gov, prompting a nastygram from Cheney.

December 10, 2002

Have you seen this man?

Have you recently met, or had a relationship with this man? Police are seeking assistance from the community to track down and arrest this miscreant. Investigations have been hampered by the poor quality of the artist's rendition of the suspect.

December 06, 2002

Revisionist History on the Web

I love reading stories on the Web. One of my favourites is the one about the guy who cashed a fake promotional direct-mail cheque for $95,000. To his surprise, the cheque cashed, and the mad dash by the bank to get the money back is a great story.

I was looking for this link in my bookmarks to post here, and I couldn't find it. Not surprising, since I first read the story in the mid-late 90's, and my bookmarks don't always survive the transition from country to country and system to system. (For side-discussion: is a person's bookmark list the the modern equivalent of a CD collection as a discriminant of personality?) So searched for it on the web, and after a while, came up with the link above.

Funny thing is, the story differs in several details from what I remember. From when I read it the first time, the broad details are the same: man banks fake cheque, much hilarity ensues. But I distinctly recall the guy did it deliberately as a joke (and for curiosity), but now claims he was going to the ATM anyway to bank some other cheques, and slipped this one in on a whim. He was a student as I read it last; now he claims he had a burgeoning speaking career at the time. The newspaper coverage detailed in the current story had no mention in the older version. I suspect that either: there's been some Soviet-style revisionism over the years to make the story more palatable (and he seem less culpable); or it's not even the same guy, and a story has been appropriated for his own use. In any case, it's a good example of how objective truth morphs subjectively over time.

November 25, 2002

Bonsai Kittens

Bonsai Kitten is one of my favourite links to send to the gullible and/or reactionary (the two traits are highly correlated, in my experience). Check out the guestbook for the insightful commentary.

If bonsai kittens were real, I'd have one. Not only are they unique, but if you have more than one they stack easily for space-saving storage.