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July 31, 2004

Isn't Kerry a Catholic?

Catholicism has always been hugely confusing for me. Apparently you're not supposed to worship false idols, but it's okay to embrace edicts from an organization that claims they've got the red phone to (G)od. There's all that incredible iconography and breathtaking contributions to art. There's the ceremony, all that baroque splendor. And the heirarchy. And the costumes. I guess it would be easy to be attracted to the opulence of Cathlolicism, but the politics of it are totally beyond me.

Plenty of perfectly fine people are Catholics, but I can not help wonder how they can continue to particpate in a church that speaks out against birth control, divorce, homosexuality, and now, of all things, feminism.

This doesn't appear to be the work of the usual radical crazy clergy and it has the endorsement of the Pope. I'm not a religious person and I would never try to coax anyone away from their faith - no more than I would try to convince anyone to adopt mine, but honestly, I don't get it. Is there a Catholic rebellion going on some where that I don't know about? I would like to hear about it. Can anyone explain this?

Posted by pam at July 31, 2004 06:03 PM | TrackBack
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Let's clear up a few myths, here, Pam. Actually, the Vatican phone to God is not red but rather a sumptuary purple, inlaid with emerald, sappire and conflict-diamond and filligreed with cavorting putti of the finest Capodimonte. The phone cord is made of tiny platinum and gold threads woven by blind virgins who are never allowed to leave their tower in the Curiae Cordum Telephonicus. As the Pope believes that landlines are much more reliable than wireless direct-to-God service, they weave over 14,000 miles of cable a year to ensure that the Phone can travel with his Holiness and provide a direct connection as he visits the faithful around the world.

The Phonicus Maximus, located in the One Booth of the Holy See, is watched over by the famous Swedish Guards of the Papal Phone. Only very faithful subjects are ever allowed to see their secret Testing of the Ringer liturgy, but some of the secrets were inadvertently revealed in 1999 when outside technicians had to be called in to repair damage when holy water used to cleanse the Phone accedentally shorted-out the "4" button--without which it is, of course, very difficult to dial God. (Apparently St. Peter got really testy that the Pope wasn't direct dialing and threatened to stop connecting his calls to The Switchboard.)

After that, Opus Dei took over responsibility for the Ablution of the Holy Handset and though their penchant for self-flagellation does run the risk of bloodstains, their careful study of Mussolinian efficiency methods has helped ensure the smooth and timely running of the entire God-hotline operation.

All this may seem over the top, but when the Man Upstairs wants to reach out and touch someone infallible, the Pope needs to ensure that it isn't easier just to call President Bush.

Posted by: jay on August 2, 2004 02:49 PM

Jay, thank you. That was brilliant and hysterical!

Posted by: paulette on August 3, 2004 09:56 AM
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