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December 11, 2002

An Essay on Why I Stopped Dating Younger Men

Recently, the Universe reminded me: "Daniel, there is a reason you resolved not to date younger men anymore, remember?"

This summer, my Reason was named Morgan. Before that, the Reason was called Lonny, Al, Moses (yes really), Greg, Brian, Jay, etc. Different blooming young roses by different names, but ultimately, they all smelled as stinky.

Here's my problem: I'm 28-years-old, but am often taken for 25 or younger, so I tend to attract the younger set. What usually happens with these younger "men" is we'll have some really good dates -- everything seems romantic and nice, no red flags -- and then all of a sudden, the guy gets weird and goes incommunicado for no apparent reason.

Then, he has to be asked what's wrong and he comes out with "I'm confused" or "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship." He then suggests we continue to "hang out" as "friends."

In this galling situation, I always want to say this --- and I did, in an email to Morgan, which was really less an email to Morgan than an epistolary essay directed at all younger men I've ever dated:

Hello Morgan,

Hello?! Who said anything about a "relationship" anyway? I just wanted to have dinner sometimes, see some movies, maybe have some making out and steamy sex, and see what comes of it, if anything.

I am not ovulating and ready to chain myself to a husband so I can have a baby.

And trust me, I'm in no rush to shack up in an apartment with somebody -- I've already done that. I'm especially not interested in moving in with any men in their early 20s who are just getting started out in life, who have no money and no idea who they are, what sort of career they're going to have or where they'll be living long term. I'm too young to play the Daddy.

All I want is some fun right now. But for some reason, boys think that if you spend time together more than once or twice, it must be "a relationship," which is for some reason something horrid and foreboding in their minds. God forbid you should make any kind of meaningful emotional connection to another human being. I have trouble understanding the thinking there... I was just very different in my early 20s from the other guys I meet who are that age.

Anyway, this concludes my rant. It's less directed at you specifically than at all gay men I've ever dated in their early 20s. I'm just feeling very opinionated this morning. :)

And I'm glad you enjoyed hanging out with me and my friends, but I'm less and less a subscriber to the idea that if you date a man and it doesn't work out, you should therefore turn him into a "buddy" and just pretend like you've never kissed or slept together.

That shit is fucked up, yo. Straight people don't do that, so why should I? You and I should just hang out with people our own ages who we have more in common with. That said, it was very nice meeting you and I wish you well.

Best,
Daniel

Posted by jay at December 11, 2002 05:38 PM | TrackBack
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Comments

I am sorry to inform you but I recently decided to stop dating men my age and older because I have experienced the same insane behavior from them and I am 40yrs old. I guess the best thing to do would be to first of all not date anyone who is not the exact type of person that you want. Second if one little thing is wrong with them split. See women tend to go to a guys level and compromise. But they dont. They may play for a second but they are not in it for the long haul. Because the truth of the matter is Guys are smart enough to dump someone they are not interested in before it gets to old. Not to say that there is something wrong with either of us however we may not be their type. Young or old let's stop spending time with men that we truly do not want just to be confused in the end.

Posted by: trz on August 8, 2003 02:59 PM

Don't know what the hell they are trying to prove by dating younger men. I had a lover who is 2 years younger than me. We split up some 30 years ago and met up again recently. In her past history she has had numerous encounters with men as far as 10 years younger than her.

It is really impossible for a men to stay for long in a relationship where the women is older than them. Give it 2 years at the most and they get tired of the shit. Then what ? They'd probably come up with all kinds of excuses. And who's the victim ... the lady would not admit that they have been dumped ... they'd almost say that it was them who was tired of the relationship.

But what happens afterwards has become a phenomenon not manyn npeople know about. Living with my lover has shown me what would become of this women. They become insecure , goes for one night stands and are afraid of getting into another relationship even if a genuine one comes along.

They would go for multiple partners when it comes to sex. Actually sex does not mean a thing to them anymore. Just a way of satisfying their sexual desires. Does not matter who their partner is as long as they fancy them ... they spread their legs.

Reputation does not matter to them anymore either. Anyone can say whatever they like.

Maybe I should write an article about Older Women Dating Younger Men.

Posted by: Eric on December 8, 2003 09:43 PM

Hi, Daniel and trz,

[I found this thread while doing research for a book on relationships]

See what you think of this theory:

Inarticulate people (of all ages) are freaked out and intimidated by articulate people
(people who can string together big words and the big ideas that go with them),
and terminate their relationships at higher-than-average rates.
This would explain a few things: For one, when asked to explain why they broke up with you,
they give inarticulate, un-insightful, incoherent, non-sequitur reasons.
Sound familiar?

Just a new theory of mine. Feedback (esp. with evidence) appreciated.

---------------------------

Related: A few years ago I did a survey on breakups. Half of the respondents checked the box labeled
"I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words."
See:
http://users.aol.com/Relationshop/Surveys/Survey6Ans.html

---------------------------

INTERESTING FACT: If you do a Google search for "I stopped dating", you do find posts from the most articulate people :^)
(That's how I found this page, in fact.)
A similarly good search is for the phrase "you use big words" -- If you've ever been told that, give it a try, you'll feel less alone.

Sincerely,

J. E. Brown (mr.)
Relationshop
Educational Materials for Good Relationships
http://users.aol.com/Relationshop
Los Alamos, New Mexico USA
and
author, "Why Are People Rude?"
http://users.aol.com/Relationshop/WhyArePeopleRude.html

Posted by: J. E. Brown on September 20, 2004 07:33 AM
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